Exerpt from my Journal - A letter to my Ex April 29/08

I'm pissed off it has come to this again. All responsibility is on me and you get to live your own life. Not calling your own daugthers. Not reaching out. Satisfied with being a father for four days a month. What the fuck? I thought "it was different this time" well it has been 90 times better that it was the last time we broke up, but it is such a far, far cry from being a father as opposed to a babysitter. Thankfully ther is no real difference that the children see. And how sad is that?

I am so angry with myself for choosing you to have our children with. My precious beautiful girls will never know what having an attentive, active, interested and loving father is like in their lives. And all I can do is sit here and watch.

I hate that part of me that thought I could change you. That thought fatherhood would change you. I hate that part of me that belived children would awaken something inside of you that would want to live again with/through the joys of fatherhood.

I am envious of others who I know who have ex's who want to be with and do things with their children.

And I know I cannot do anything to change you. I forgive you for being blind.

I forgive me for being hard on myself.

I will be who I am, love my girls, have fun with my girls, provide a safe haven for my girls. I will ease back into consciously engaging wiht my grils and begin to recognize the automated responses I have been again using as a strategy.

I am proud of my decisions in life.

I am a strong woman.

Strong women can be gentle at the same time.

Strength means to honour yourself.

Honouring yourself means it's okay to cry.

Release... and rejoice.