And it's all coming back to me

Today I went to emerge, not for anything really 'emergency' related, but my neck is stiff and my throat started to feel all funny. And when the doctor saw me he checked me over and found nothing wrong (of course).

He asked if there was anything else on my mind... well the gate opened. I started talking about my stress and exhaustion and I explained this is probably why I feel sick, because I've run out of steam.

He asked about what all is going on in my life to make me feel this way and I told him. He asked if I thought about hurting myself... and it reminded me of last time I was a new single mom many years ago... hmm about 10 yrs ago to be exact.

Needless to say I said no, I've had no thoughts of harming myself however I have felt like running away at times but know I could never because of my girls. He expressed that I shouldn't carry this all on my own and I should seek out others to talk with, family, friends or my family doctor.

And I told him, I was too stubborn and full of pride to unload it on others. (After all I am super woman right?)

As I assured my doctor I was fine and just going through some ups and downs he told me to come back if I ever needed to and I was on my way.

And as I drove home to my kids I thought of that time 10 yrs ago when I was prescribed Prozac to cope with my stress. And I started thinking man... this is LIFE. It is full of ups and downs. Life is supposed to be cyclical like the ebb and flow of the tides.

And I remembered how easy it was to take the pills last time round, pretend it went away. But "it" was always there lying beneath the surface until I faced it myself. Let go of it. And allowed myself to shape it instead of being shaped by it.

The "it" of 10 years ago was a feeling of worthlessness. Of being unlovable. Of self loathing. Happily dependant on others help and of bobbing along in the system.

The "it" of today is wanting to take it all on. Be strong. Be the super woman and not ask for help. Of being everything to my kids and trying to compensate for what they aren't getting from their father. Of trying to excel and build my career and still find time to grow my home business.

The "it" of today, can be easily released (if I choose to). I can put things on the back burner for a bit. I can allow myself to find a less stressful project at work trusting someone can fill my boots on this "special project". I need to set aside my pride and realize I am not the be all and end all, nor do I have to be.

And the sooner I choose it... the easier it will all be. Setting the kind of example I would want my kids to follow, taking care of self and by doing so all the important things fall into their rightful content place.

So... how long before I choose to release and rejoice? Do I choose to let it go in my next breath? Or am I still hanging on for a reason? Questions to be answered when I feel ready to face them.

Until next time, breaking the surface.