The Fun of it All

Oh the joy of it all. The babysitter's mother had surgery scheduled for today so I took my 3 yr old to work with me. Oh the joy of it all, just what was I thinking?

The morning started early just before 6 a.m. We had breakfast and played a bit before venturing out to catch the Ferry across the harbour to go to work. I was prepared. I had puzzles, crayons, snacks, paint with water, I was set… or so I thought.

I was hoping to be in and out fairly quick, however as it turned out the delivery I was waiting for didn't arrive until the end of the day.

My cubicle is full of post it notes and there was one on my forehead with "Mom" written on it.
People coming in and out needing this change or that change all stopping to say hello to my little girl. Playground at lunchtime after a PB&J picnic.

Wait a minute come to think of it this has been a GREAT day! I've got to relax at work a bit, socialize more with my collegues and enjoy the sunshine on the waterfront. And who else has a more stylish cubicle then me???

Life is good. My cubicle is colourful! 3 year olds bring life into the office.

And it's all coming back to me

Today I went to emerge, not for anything really 'emergency' related, but my neck is stiff and my throat started to feel all funny. And when the doctor saw me he checked me over and found nothing wrong (of course).

He asked if there was anything else on my mind... well the gate opened. I started talking about my stress and exhaustion and I explained this is probably why I feel sick, because I've run out of steam.

He asked about what all is going on in my life to make me feel this way and I told him. He asked if I thought about hurting myself... and it reminded me of last time I was a new single mom many years ago... hmm about 10 yrs ago to be exact.

Needless to say I said no, I've had no thoughts of harming myself however I have felt like running away at times but know I could never because of my girls. He expressed that I shouldn't carry this all on my own and I should seek out others to talk with, family, friends or my family doctor.

And I told him, I was too stubborn and full of pride to unload it on others. (After all I am super woman right?)

As I assured my doctor I was fine and just going through some ups and downs he told me to come back if I ever needed to and I was on my way.

And as I drove home to my kids I thought of that time 10 yrs ago when I was prescribed Prozac to cope with my stress. And I started thinking man... this is LIFE. It is full of ups and downs. Life is supposed to be cyclical like the ebb and flow of the tides.

And I remembered how easy it was to take the pills last time round, pretend it went away. But "it" was always there lying beneath the surface until I faced it myself. Let go of it. And allowed myself to shape it instead of being shaped by it.

The "it" of 10 years ago was a feeling of worthlessness. Of being unlovable. Of self loathing. Happily dependant on others help and of bobbing along in the system.

The "it" of today is wanting to take it all on. Be strong. Be the super woman and not ask for help. Of being everything to my kids and trying to compensate for what they aren't getting from their father. Of trying to excel and build my career and still find time to grow my home business.

The "it" of today, can be easily released (if I choose to). I can put things on the back burner for a bit. I can allow myself to find a less stressful project at work trusting someone can fill my boots on this "special project". I need to set aside my pride and realize I am not the be all and end all, nor do I have to be.

And the sooner I choose it... the easier it will all be. Setting the kind of example I would want my kids to follow, taking care of self and by doing so all the important things fall into their rightful content place.

So... how long before I choose to release and rejoice? Do I choose to let it go in my next breath? Or am I still hanging on for a reason? Questions to be answered when I feel ready to face them.

Until next time, breaking the surface.

Powerful Beings

Today I am thankful I have two beautiful and strong girls. They are funny and what I have noticed more and more since the split, they seem to becoming more comfortable in their own skin.

Letting loose again. Being kids. Being silly. Living. Loving. And Laughing.

And I know that is because I am becoming more and more comfortable with being myself in my own skin.

Finally, in my own home. I've allowed myself to be seen, to live, to love, to laugh. To be super silly... and to hold my kids and listen to what they have to say.

And there is no one else here to have to worry about "listening in" to our deepest emotions. We can cry, yell, whoop and holler. Make monkey calls and skip from one end of the house to the other. And no one is going to tell us to stop.

Life is good. Allowing me to be free with my kids as they choose to.

There is definitely something to say about coming into your own and witnessing that in your children.

We are all (after all) powerful beings.

Treading Water - Coming up for Air

I have been working away, treading water. At work, at home, inside of myself.

I am tired of treading water. Sometimes I just want to stop and fall under the surface. Cry my eyes out. Run away. Give up. Go. But no... I have 2 girls to raise, I am their stability in life.

On goes the mask, I am strong, I put myself here, I can do it and treading water I continue.

Setting plans in motion. Sell house = Out of Debt. Debt = Weights on my ankles making it harder to tread water.... some times it seems so easy to let go, but no... I must persevere... see it out. A buyer will come, won't they? They have to come... I'm ready to move on.

I can see above the surface the apartment I will have. I can see the happiness of the girls having their own rooms. I can feel the relief of not having those weights on my feet. I can taste the freedom of being able to start fresh. I can feel the pride of having done it on my own.

But here I am... still treading water. Waiting for that day when I can get out and relax. Above the surface. Able to breathe. Up for Air.

Wanting to curl up and cry. Wanting to be held. Wanting to be comforted. Not needing sympathy... but needing loving support.

It's lonely. I'm scared. I don't want to fail. What if I can't do this on my own? But up I come again to break the surface. I musn't let others see this... I am super woman.

Exerpt from my Journal - A letter to my Ex April 29/08

I'm pissed off it has come to this again. All responsibility is on me and you get to live your own life. Not calling your own daugthers. Not reaching out. Satisfied with being a father for four days a month. What the fuck? I thought "it was different this time" well it has been 90 times better that it was the last time we broke up, but it is such a far, far cry from being a father as opposed to a babysitter. Thankfully ther is no real difference that the children see. And how sad is that?

I am so angry with myself for choosing you to have our children with. My precious beautiful girls will never know what having an attentive, active, interested and loving father is like in their lives. And all I can do is sit here and watch.

I hate that part of me that thought I could change you. That thought fatherhood would change you. I hate that part of me that belived children would awaken something inside of you that would want to live again with/through the joys of fatherhood.

I am envious of others who I know who have ex's who want to be with and do things with their children.

And I know I cannot do anything to change you. I forgive you for being blind.

I forgive me for being hard on myself.

I will be who I am, love my girls, have fun with my girls, provide a safe haven for my girls. I will ease back into consciously engaging wiht my grils and begin to recognize the automated responses I have been again using as a strategy.

I am proud of my decisions in life.

I am a strong woman.

Strong women can be gentle at the same time.

Strength means to honour yourself.

Honouring yourself means it's okay to cry.

Release... and rejoice.

Struggles, Strengths and Successes of Singlemomdom

I’ve decided to start another blog. A place where I don’t have to reveal my identity (not that I am concerned about me). By doing this anonymously it will allow me to write freely and not worry about the other parties involved in my life (i.e. ex & children).

I will gladly communicate with individuals if you wish to. Answer questions as you may have them. My words that come out here will be raw. They will be me, my experiences honest and true.

The good.

The bad.

The Ugly.

Believe me they all exist within my body right now yet I don’t have a place where I can just release it. This will serve as this safe arena for me to express the Struggles, the Strengths and Successes of what I am dubbing “Singlemomdom” my life as it is now.