World turned Upside-down

Wow... life sure does throw curve balls at you. As I was happily finding my groove (finally) life decided to shake it up and turn my life upside down and inside out.

My ex has landed himself in serious trouble with the law, consequences of this have already impacted me changing once again my reality, not ever going to be the same as it was. And forever changing the shape of my children's future.

I have been doing only what I can do... taking it day by day. Blocking contact from my ex for myself as he seems to think I am his only lifeline in his times of trouble (wtf? Didn't I finish it in January???)

Taking time off of work to focus on myself and on my children as each thing comes up as a consequence of his action(s). So here I sit... trying to shield and protect my children from the truth (horrendous) that is our new reality, yet at the same time not wanting to hide anything from them and trying to maintain whatever innocence they may still hold.

I have been talking with the right people. I have been taking each incident and moment as it arises and dealing with it the best I can. I have been trying to make sure the lines of communication with my eldest remain open if she ever has any questions or finds out any additional information about the whole thing. And I have been trying to take care of myself and my well being so I can be fully present for my kids as and if they need me.

I find myself continually needing to remind myself that I am not him (my ex) nor am I responsible for his life (I do not want to nor need to save him anymore he is fully capable of making his own decision no matter how good/bad they may be).

And guilt... I hold guilt of a) not being totally open and honest with my children about the situation b) of not being able to protect them from the truth that they will eventually find out.

And it saddens me down to the core of my being. To know that our lives will never be the same. To know that my children (at least my eldest) will know what and who her father is and what he has done.

A huge part of me wishes this will all just go away and disappear but I know it will not. It has been a few weeks already and it is going to be a long, long road before it is "over" (i.e. he is in jail).

So I need to focus on things as they come. Bit by bit, day by day. I must remember who I am and that I am not responsible for anything but my children's well being to the best of my ability.

I am thankful for my family who are supporting me in my every move.

I am thankful for my wonderful job that has allowed me for time off to deal with what I must deal with (focusing on my priorities... my girls).

I am thankful for my wonderful friends who have been there for me when I needed it most.

I am thankful for the sun and warmth that is renewing me every time I feel drained.

I am thankful for myself, knowing I can do this, knowing to let go of what I cannot control, knowing I must take care of myself in order to shape this, rather then be shaped by it.

Most of all I am thankful for my daughters... If it wasn't for my choosing my ex my children would not exist. Their laughter, their tears, their love, their life... it strengthens me, fortifies me and allows me to remember why I am here. Those beautiful girls are also able to cope (as I am there every step of the way with them).

My new reality... right now I say it sucks... but I know as the days go on and as I move through and make each choice it will once again be good.

Minute by minute, day by day, my unfolding reality.